ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Today is a perfect day for Aries to try their hand at juggling chainsaws while riding a unicycle. You may find that the adrenaline rush gives you the motivation you need to make some major life decisions.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, today you will find yourself in a situation where you are required to communicate entirely in interpretive dance. Don`t worry, your body language will be crystal clear to everyone around you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini, you will wake up today with the strange ability to understand and speak to animals. Use this power to your advantage, but be careful of any elephants that may try to convince you to join their circus.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancer, today is your lucky day! You will stumble upon a large sum of money buried in your backyard. However, the money is cursed and can only be spent on toilet paper.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, today you will be blessed with the gift of teleportation. However, it comes with a catch – each time you teleport, you will randomly turn into a different animal for an hour.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo, today you will discover that you have the ability to talk to inanimate objects. During your grocery run, you will have a particularly long conversation with a loaf of bread.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, today you will have a sudden urge to cover your entire body in maple syrup and roll around in a pile of leaves. Don`t fight it, embrace the weirdness.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, today you will have an inexplicable craving for raw spaghetti noodles. Unfortunately, you won`t have any sauce to go with them.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius, today you will develop the power to read minds. Use this power wisely, as some thoughts are best left unheard.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, today you will find yourself in a heated debate with a giant talking pineapple about the future of the world economy. Remember to keep an open mind.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Aquarius, today you will have the ability to fly, but only while singing show tunes at the top of your lungs.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces, today you will encounter a magical talking frog who will offer you three wishes. Be careful what you wish for, as the consequences may not be what you expect.
Horoscope brought to you by a specialist vampirix team and a secret friend :)
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